I saw it yesterday. It made me mad actually, they left SO MUCH out of it. They skipped Harry’s Birthday, they didn’t even talk about Dumbledore’s family (at least not his sister and mother, who were hugely discussed in the book), and when they went to Xenophilius Lovegood, their escape was supposed to be planned so the death eaters would see Harry and not kill Xenophilius for lying. The way they did it in the movie, he would’ve been killed. AND THEY DIDN’T MENTION THAT TONKS IS PREGNANT.
As a stand alone movie, it was wonderful. As an adaptation of the book, it was terrible. :P
(sorry to clog dashboards with more useless rants)
But there are things that have to be said.
Ben, I don’t have words to describe what I feel for you. I have ruined your life. You were devoted to me, enough to break someone’s jaw for my sake, and yet I have abandoned you. I’ve left you all alone, let them take you away, let them destroy your future. I have impacted the rest of your life, and yet you somehow still love me. That kind of selflessness is something I have never known before. Nobody has ever loved me like you do. I want to say I’m sorry, about everything I’ve done, about every hurt I’ve placed upon you, but I don’t feel like sorry is a good enough word for it. I took your virginity. I loved you and kissed you and made love to you, and then, when you needed me the most, I completely abandoned you. I am a monster, and I can’t express how much I feel that every single day. How much remorse I feel for hurting you like this. I’ve cried over you on more occasions than I’ve cried over him - I’ve cried for you almost every night since it happened. I miss your old smile, the carelessness of our words, the breathless kisses that once passed between us. I miss the look in your eyes when I’d catch you staring at me from across the room. I miss when we were so in love, when I’d come back stoned and just lie in your arms like a child, you a cocoon of warmth and love around me. I miss falling asleep in your arms. This was before he came and pinned me to the bed and broke apart my insides. This was before he made me feel dead. And before you knew any of it.
And then there’s Alex. You were happy for us, you still are. You’ll never stop sacrificing your happiness for mine. He’s lovely, really. He’s got these eyes. The most magnificent, sparkling shade of blue I’ve ever seen. They’re beautiful, and I feel at home staring into them. He and I “argue like a married couple” according to our group of friends. But we’re also sickly cute. When he puts his arm around my shoulder I feel like nothing matters. And maybe it has to do with our intense bickering, his coldness, his withholding of affections. He makes me feel terrible before he makes me feel good. And sometimes I think I am only his girlfriend when he’s bored. But for some reason I’m putting up with it, maybe because just one moment in those eyes makes me feel perfect.
But of course, this is me we’re talking about, and I can’t let things be perfect, oh no, not even for an instant. I have to go fucking it up with my stupidity. And now there’s going to be even more suffering placed unfairly upon and innocent party. And there will be no more Alex and no more you, and no more Will and no more anyone. Even Jamie’s going to give up on me, once she realizes how unreliable I am.
I often wonder when I’m going to learn how to be a human being, instead of this terrible woman who goes around destroying everyone she touches.
I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay with this - with any of this. I’m done smiling this fucking fake smile and acting like everything’s okay. Everything is not fucking okay.
I’m still in love with you, alright? Are you happy now, that I said it? Does that make you feel better? I’m so goddamn in love with you, and I keep thinking about how much I really want you back. And yes, you are too far away, and yes, you are too paranoid. But neither of those things can make me want you back any less. I miss you like hell, and my heart hurts to think about you. I cry over you, I fucking lie next to my boyfriend and cry. Over you. Do you realize how disgusting that is? I’m so exhausted of crying over you, of missing you so much it hurts. Of picking up that poem you wrote me and wanting to rip it apart, but not having the strength. I’m tired of reading those words and collapsing in tears instead of just throwing them away already. I love you so much, and I want you so much. But I can’t have you. So I wish you’d just get the fuck out of my head.
She probably told you about how immature I’m being, about how I was a total bitch to her tonight. But she had the nerve to ask “You’re not upset, are you?” And the best part is she was serious. She honestly believes that somehow I’m going to be okay with all of this. Yes, I smiled, I said it was fine, I said I was happy for you. And yeah, I know I’m overreacting, that I’m jealous, I know that. But god dammit, I was planning to marry you. I was planning to spend the rest of my life with you. And she expects me to be okay with her taking my place? What right does she have to take my place? She’s supposed to be one of my best friends, not the girl who dates my ex. Not the girl who starts going out with the one person I could ever see a real future with. Yes, it was my fault we ended, and no, I don’t expect you to just not go out with anyone. But fuck, she’s one of my best friends! It’s unwritten law that you just don’t take your best friend’s guy. Even if she’s already rid of him. I know it sounds stupid, but there’s no way this can work out. I’m going to lose her as a friend if this continues. I can’t help it.
And even though I have so much hatred for this situation, it’s my own fault. I hate myself for creating this situation. I hate myself for fucking things up between us, for being a stupid whore, for flirting around on you. For putting us on the backburner. For ignoring you. For letting you go. I can’t stand this. I want to reverse time. I want to put my heart back together. I want to stop faking happiness. And I can’t.